A Million Peaces

A professional writer

2011-07-18T08:45:00.001-04:00

Here I go again with the long break from blogging. Eh what can I say, I'm a busy woman. On an excellent note, I sold an article! That's right, you are now reading the blog of a professional writer. It was just a parenting article under a thousand words, but it was exactly what someone wanted because they bought it!

It's funny how I have had the worst writer's block ever since my first article sold. It came to me so easily. The words flew from my fingers like lightning. Now, my brain is frozen. Hopefully I can get some inspiration and sell some more. Wouldn't it be wonderful to get paid for something that is enjoyable AND comes naturally? Of course it would!

Wish me luck!

Quoth the Donald, nevermoron

2011-05-09T19:40:00.001-04:00

So Donald Trump was quoted saying he is "the least racist person".

This got me to thinking about our future president (Bahahaahaha!). Saying you are the least racist person, is basically saying you are racist, just not as much as other racist people. Who is he less racist than? Who are these other racist people that he has the privilege of being lower than on the prejudice totem pole?

Or is he claiming to be less racist than EVERYONE who is racist, not just an elite group.

Either way, I got a chuckle at this statement. After all, being the least dumbest person doesn't make you smart, now does it?

Thanks Mr. Trump, for being the least moronic today, but not intelligent by any means.

Edna and Morpheus

2011-05-08T23:32:00.001-04:00

I don't know why, but every time I see a couple's names written somewhere, I always find myself imagining who they are and what they are like.

Facebook gets me the worst. Someone will mention a couple in their status and my mind just goes.

"thank you Mike and Lynn for all your help!" - aww Mike and Lynn are helpful! Oh I bet Mike is a cop. A young cop who just got promoted recently. He is average but handsome and clean shaven. Lynn is his wife. A brunette with a soft but quirky smile. They met through friends during college. She was an art major. Lynn is an art teacher, I'm sure (I mean come on...how else do artists make any money?).
The friend is thanking them for all their help arranging a fund raiser for a sick child in need of surgery that is the child of a friend of theirs.

Ok so it's not ALWAYS that in depth. Sometimes I don't have a story. When there are just names, I usually just imagine images.

"Caleb and Trisha" - hmmm. I bet Caleb is a redhead. He is very tall with a crooked posture. They are both in their early 30's. Trisha is a short blonde. Slightly heavyset but still loves denim cutoff shorts. They sound lovely.

I can't explain it. I don't intentionally focus on who these people might be. Am I the only person who imagines what people are attached to these mysterious names we come across? Just because my wandering, wild imagination takes it a step further, doesn't mean that other people don't have a milder form of this name-identifying habit.

In fact I know some people do this to an extent. You must have met someone and said "oh you don't look like a George" or "I pictured you looking different".

That was you guessing a person's looks by their name, or already having a stereotype for a certain name. It's cool, if we all do it, it can't be so bad, right? Like swearing, or watching reality television.

Roma and Jefferson

There's one to mull over.

Love ya!
Peace peoples.

Diaper Lottery

2011-05-04T11:58:00.001-04:00

Lately, every time I change my baby's diaper, his big brother will accompany me with some interesting commentary. At first I thought it was just curiosity from my five year old.

"Is it pee? Let me see. It's peepee."
"Did he poop? Yea? Poopoo? Ok."

Then I thought he was trying to tease me. I mean, who wants to change a diaper anyway.

"Peepee? Ha!"
"You gotta change poopie? Yea!"

At first I was mad, but then I realized it's not that either. It was a game.

"Did he pee or poop, mama? Pee? Yes!"
"Pee or poo? Nice!"
"Poopie? Ha! I was right!"

Ok, this child is a little too excited about his brother's bodily functions. It's not like we are talking about farts. Farts are funny. What is going on?

He was "right"? Wait a minute. What do you mean you were right?
"I guess what is in his diaper and I'm always right."

Ew. It's a game. A gross diaper-content-guessing game. Well I've witnessed stranger things, so I can't say I'm completely surprised that's what he's been doing.

You have to love your kids' quirks. After all, in some way, I'm sure they got them from you.

Stay tuned! Coming soon!

2011-04-17T21:52:00.001-04:00

Sorry folks. Been very busy, but I am cooking up a new comic for the next post. Stay tuned!
Xoxoxoxoxo

Chalk driveway drawings yay!

2011-04-14T16:34:00.001-04:00

Ok maybe not a very informative post, but I couldn't resist. This is what I did all day, instead of writing.

Today's masterpieces brought to you by my awesome 5 year old (and me of course. Who can resist chalk drawing?)

Let's examine, see the colors? The strokes? Amazing stuff.

Can you guess which drawings are mine?

It's too bad, because these were done with 3-D chalk, that makes your pictures pop when you wear the glasses. Unfortunately that does not translate on camera.

This has been a thrilling presentation of chalk driveway drawings. Thanks for tuning in.

Peaces!

FAN-tastic

2011-04-13T08:26:00.001-04:00

Attention:

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Love!

Luck

2011-04-12T23:26:00.001-04:00

As the weather warms up I am always reminded of my teen years. Enjoying every summer with my friends and current boyfriend (there was always one), going down to the Jersey shore (I was there first MTV), and enjoying the summer sun was what it was all about.

Along with these great adventures came awesome antics. I'm reminded of one today.

Just like most weekends, and some weekdays, my boyfriend, a couple friends, and I decided to head down to the jersey shore. Totally unprepared we headed down, sans a change of clothes, beach towels, sunblock, or very much money. A very typical day at the shore.

"You guys wanna head out onto the beach" asks friend one, pointing out from the boardwalk to the less than pristine sand leading to the rough waters.

A few nods and mumbles became translated to a general yes from the group, so we head off down to the sand. We walk some, near the boardwalk. The beach-goers have become few as the sun is starting to set.

Out of thin air, friend two seems to have pulled out a football. We toss it around. There is your typical laughter, pushing, flirting, and swearing, as you would find in any teenage, coed, beach football game.

"Babe, where's my keys" boyfriend looks to me. Suddenly a wave of nausea comes over me as the possibilities run through my head.

He locked them in the car.
They're in the ocean.
Someone stole them from his pocket.
I somehow was made responsible for them and I lost them.
Shit.
We are stranded at the jersey shore with no money.

"When did you last have them?" I inquire helpfully, looking around at everyone's panicked faces.
"I think I felt them in my pocket when we came down from the boardwalk."

Everyone immediately begins scanning the sand, walking heel to toe through our football field. One voice chimes in, "dude they could be anywhere. I think we drifted like 20 feet."

Great. Very helpful.

"What kind of keychain were they on?" friend one asks.

"Just a little Mustang symbol. We're f**ked." boyfriend gravely answers.

The search continues. I'm gently kicking around sand, friend one is bent over, combing the surface with his fingers, friend two is about five feet away in the same position, and boyfriend is about ten feet away, trying to retrace our steps.

What felt like hours have gone by. It was really minutes, but the threat of being stranded here makes this search party seem to drag on forever.

We all come together again, near the entrance to the beach.

"This sucks."

"What are we gonna do?"

"I can call someone maybe."

"I'm not leaving my car here."

Everyone looks close to tears.

"This sucks! I wish I could just reach down and..." in a sweeping motion, boyfriend swings his hand down into the sand out of frustration, flinging sand into the air, "...find them."

The last rays of the setting sun manage to catch the beautiful glistening object dangling from my boyfriend's hand. He holds it up closer to his face as we all stare, mouths agape, at the sparkling treasure just unearthed.

There, from his finger, hung a silver ring with two glimmering keys swaying in unison, and the most attractive Mustang keyring I have ever laid my eyes on.

"Holy shit, dude."
"That was awesome."
"No f**king way."

It was his keys. We were saved.

So we lingered on the boardwalk a while longer. Laughing and joking about how lucky we all were, how especially lucky boyfriend was. When we got to the car, it felt like we had again found treasure. Like we were lucky all over again.

The two hour ride home was a breeze. After all that, I never wanted to leave that car again.

This is a 100% true story. I know, I was there. Hope you enjoyed it.

Peace people!
Xoxoxo

Nothing to see here folks

2011-04-07T12:44:00.001-04:00

I was looking for some inspiration on what to blog about, however, I have been completely at a loss for ideas. I think a great way to get ideas for writing is to write, you know, get those wheels turning. Not today my friends. Nothing interesting here.

I bet the most interesting man in the world would have something to write about.

"So why bother posting?" you might ask. Because f*** you, that's why.

Ok seriously, I'm posting my directionless mind's wanderings for two reasons.
One: that's what all my posts are anyway
Two: the discipline
If I don't post one day, then another day I'm too busy. Then the next day I don't know what to write. It goes on and on and before you know it, I abandon my blog for another two years.

Well on that note (did I even end on a note?) it is time for me to stop tapping and hit post. Go do something awesome today. Boobs.

Ex smoker

2011-04-06T03:17:00.001-04:00

So it's pretty clear that I could not and did not want to smoke for the rest of my life. I got hooked as a teen and smoking has been my stress and boredom salvation ever since. I quit once before. It lasted almost a year, but I let a stressful event get the best of me.

Now I'm back and newly motivated. I have two beautiful boys who love their mommy and need her around. I dread the thought of my babies growing up and becoming smokers like mom. A little extra motivation has been my charming 5 year old's sincere concern for my health. It breaks my heart to hear my tiny man say "ma please don't smoke! What if you only have one lung hole left and you ruined all your lungs?!" How can I let that continue. I can't.

It is only day two and I already have considered breaking something to alleviate some stress. My poor kids have been victims of mommy on edge, too. Although I did explain to my 5 year old that quitting smoking makes people crabby sometimes, they still don't need to witness the smokeless-monster I have become.

I have been using nicotine replacement products, and stress relieving techniques along with exercise. It all helps, but no matter what I do, quitting smoking sucks.

In the long run, it will be worth it. I will feel better, age better, smell better, be setting a better example for my kids, and hopefully live better. I have to continuously remind myself all this as I consciously "miss" all of my regular cigarette breaks and explode at innocent bystanders.

There are NO benefits from smoking. Any enjoyment or relief attained from smoking can be achieved by other, healthier means. It's never too late to quit. Start quitting today.

I'm a quitter! A proud quitter.

Quit smoking.

Nothing's On - House MD Edition

2011-04-04T10:43:00.001-04:00

I LOVE the show House, but the story lines get a little repetitive. I apologize for the terrible drawing, but I like to think it adds to the effect. Enjoy!

Omg I'm dying. I only want you to help me dr. House!

No f#@$% you! Because you want me to help you I won't! Hah!

...your case is so interesting. Ok I'll do it!

Look at these symptoms. I don't understand. What about you, team? Of course not your all f$#%*ing idiots

What, your here to bother me I'm busy. Important doctor stuff.

So anyway, I was with this hooker. I cheat on my wife but it's ok cuz I know it's wrong and I'm a sweet guy.

Hooker.

...........

You have syphilis.

Slut.

I don't think you'll fit in the baby wipes.

2011-04-02T12:07:00.001-04:00

As a mother, you can imagine that you will find yourself saying things you wouldn't normally say otherwise. Don't throw the ball in the house. Inside voices please. Don't hit your brother. Finish your vegetables. You get the idea.

Now I find myself saying all these things, and more. You never think about those other phrases that would pass your lips when speaking to your children. Those things you say, "I never thought I'd say that" or " Never thought I would use those words in the same sentence" to. I've decided to list some of these utterances, out of context of course, because it's funnier that way.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say To Another Human Being Until I Had Kids:

Shoes are not for eating!

Oh ew, no, oh please don't play in that.

Its ok honey, your brother has his OWN teeth.

I'm not sure, maybe coffee...or poop.

It says 'gdbvethlsmrcuqo'.

Is that poo on your undies or Nutella? It better be Nutella.

Please don't wipe your mouth off on your socks.

Because I don't WANT to sit in your fart tent.

You cannot pee in every bottle you find.

Where did your pants/shirt/socks/underwear go?

God definitely does like kitties.

Don't hang from there.

Yea but you don't really have laser eyes.

Sponges don't live in pineapples for real.

If you plant a kickball you will have a dirty kickball not a kickball tree.

Yes that is a very cool robot.

Please don't call your hat sexy. That's a grown up word.

No you're right, you cannot wash your brain.

Oh what beautiful green hair.

Sure I'll play ghostbusters, I'll be Egon.

Of course everyday I surprise myself with things I thought I'd never say. Be on the lookout for future posts like this.
Later Sweeties!
Peace and Pineapples

It's Only a Cake, Boss

2011-04-01T10:54:00.001-04:00

With my husbands birthday around the corner, and our fascination with the show Cake Boss, I thought it would be cool to order him a special cake. You know, one of those awesome cakes shaped like something unusual.

He just bought a mustang, and he used to own one when we dated in high school, so I figured a mustang shaped cake would fit the bill. I knew I was in for a hefty pricetag and I didn't have much time, so I started emailing bakeries.
Sorry we need three weeks. Sorry we need a month. Sure, it will be $900. Ummm that's a bit steep.
So I find a guy whose pricing is more acceptable, however he needed two to three weeks, which we don't have, so I let him know that. I don't know if it was my mind putting a bad tone to his emails, or the fact that he wasn't grasping what I was saying, but my communications with this Nick character pissed me off.

Hello,
I am interested in getting a cake for my husbands birthday. I was looking to get a mustang shaped cake. How much time would you need and what would the pricing on something like that be?
Thank you,
Smadge

Hi Smadge,
The smallest would feed around 20 persons and the price would be $300.00. Give me 2-3 weeks lead time and also, a picture of the particular model you would like me to create.
Best regards,
Nick

Ok. $300. Way better than $900. That is excellent. Ugh but two to three weeks! I only have like 9 days. Crap. Ah well, I'll email him back and let him know. Make mental note of awesome cake pricing. Done.

Hi nick,
Thanks for the quick response. Unfortunately I waited too long to plan, as we have less than two weeks before his party.
Thank you for your help!

Ok moving on. Obviously I will not have enough time to get this special cake so I will have to do something else. Maybe I'll just order an edible mustang picture. Oh another email from nick.

Smadge,
As I stated in my E-mail, 2 weeks is ok. If you are looking for a less expensive cake, I could put a picture of the Mustang on a quarter sheet cake. That would only cost $42.50. That includes your choice of cake and filling with whipped cream or butter cream icing. Let me know if you're interested in that.
Best regards,
Nick

Ok Nick. I know you stated two weeks. That is why I said I have LESS THAN TWO WEEKS. Less than two weeks means less than two weeks. Not quite 14 days. More than a couple days but less than the required days for you to make my cake. As I stated in MY email, we have LESS than two weeks. I am aware that two weeks is fine, but I don't have that. I get frustrated when people don't read and comprehend my emails fully. Sorry for the rant.

Now that your illiteracy has pissed me off, why don't you insult me and call me poor.
"If you are looking for a less expensive cake, I could put a picture of the Mustang on a quarter sheet cake. That would only cost $42.50"
Oh thank you nick! I am looking at a $300 cake and you offer me a $40 cake? How thoughtful! You interpret my lack of preparation and time as a lack of funds? Normally I wouldn't be insulted, but remember, I attached this tone which just made it worse. Wait, AND you want to charge me $42 for a picture on a freaking cake?! I can do that myself for less than $30. No nick, I don't care if you can do it for $30 now, I said LESS than $30. Oh what was that? You say if that is too much you can make me a plain cupcake with no frosting and write "mustang" on the box in sharpie for just $25? No Nick! Just No! Leave me alone. Birthdays canceled, I'm diabetic, I'm allergic to baked goods, my mouth fell off, I don't want your crappy desserts.
Mental note - forget how cheap cake prices are. Done.

So I took the sort of high road and emailed him back. Simply restating my previous reasons for not doing business with nick.

Hi nick.
We don't have two weeks, we have less than two weeks. Since you said two to three, I assumed one to two was not enough time. I did order a cake already. Thank you again.

No I haven't ordered a cake. I just wanted him to go away before this got messy.

Inspiration

2011-04-01T00:49:00.001-04:00

Where does one find inspiration?
An artist looks to her window
A musician recalls a heartbreak
A writer has a dream
A poet sees his wife die
A blogger......ummm....

A blogger sees another blog.

I am, in my life, inspired by so much, to do so many different things. It get overwhelming at times, containing all this inspiration. Now this neglected blog, or once orphaned blog, as a certain sweet comical genius would say, has been given a new breath of life...at least for now. And it has that sweet genius to thank. And so do I.

Maybe, with her inspiration, and with new technology, I can continue to fill the void in this blog's life. I have the technology, I can rebuild it.

That's right! MillionPeaces has gone mobile! Don't you worry your little heart my dear blog (and readers). I'm gonna take you with me always. I can take the time to post a Facebook status, send a tweet, and check my email (after farming my zombies and beating the next angry birds level). Why not take the time to shoot out a blog post. I do enjoy it. And so do you. You do.

Ok off we go. Bloggy time wittle wuvs. Check back. For real this time.

Peace.

2009-05-01T15:17:00.001-04:00

I am sure you have realized by now that I am one of those people who picks something up and drops it. Sorry about that. Hehe. I haven't forgotten you. Chk bak!

Designated Area For Exercise

2009-02-15T12:34:00.000-05:00

I signed up for a gym membership. Tons of machines that look the same, with one little difference that changes it from a machine that tones your thigh to a machine that works your shoulders.
Everyone inside is working up a sweat.
Running, lifting, stretching, and toning themselves. Now this is all the typical spectacle in any gym, but what struck me as ironic was what happened outside.
Arriving at the gym on a busy night, the parking lot is a little busy. As I turn around to the next section of the lot, I observe several other cars driving around. It's not that we can't find a spot.
I realize we are all driving around trying to find the spot closest to the door. We spend sixty dollars a month to run on a treadmill and use all of this equipment to get fit, yet are too lazy to park more than thirty steps from the entrance.
I immediately drive to the back half of the lot and park, away from all of the other cars.
Then I jog to the door, laughing. Partly at the ballet of determination the other cars are still performing, and partly at myself for have being one of them.
Is that irony or just idiotic?

Disappointment

2009-02-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

So close to, almost whole, so near to
Having it all.
It's over, that's all gone.
Such a shame, waiting so long.
I give up
I don't care
It's not fair
Whatever
Whatever you want
I give up
That me is gone
A piece of me
So long

Gettin' Paid

2009-02-05T23:44:00.000-05:00

Money just doesn't come easy these days. I say these days, but I don't think it ever did. As times get tougher, I find my imagination gets stronger and wilder, in an attempt to find a source of income. Sure I have my 9 to 5, but what about a little 'spending money', or even some 'eating money'.
Here are the fruits of my brainstorming:

Possible alternate sources of expendable income

1. Become an inventor and create the most amazing thing ever that everyone MUST have.

2. Become a famous singer, actress, or celebrity socialite train wreck.

3. Hit the lottery.

4. Become a successful entrepreneur.

So yeah....I'll let you know how that works out. In the meantime, keep clicking those google ads and bringing in the pennies for me!!!!!

TAKE A BREAK!

2009-01-28T10:45:00.000-05:00

The Scruffs

Uncover Grandpa's secret and help The Scruffs save their family home.

Play this free game now!!

Finish What You Start

2009-01-28T10:37:00.000-05:00

My therapist told me that the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

source http://www.gcfl.net/archive.php?funny=20080708

For my Mom

2009-01-27T22:37:00.000-05:00

Knowing about my blog greatly increases the chance that you will actually see it, so I figured while my chances are getting better, I may as well give a shout out.
HEY MOM!!!!
Now, one day, when my blog is famous and I have a million subscribers, you can say....look, that's my scatterbrained daughter...and she loves me.

Yeah, I love my mom, and as much as I am like my father, (which is a lot), we thoroughly confirmed that I am like my mother.
She is sweet, kind, caring, intelligent, and yes......her life is composed of a million pieces.

Hey Mom, here's to you piecing together your million peaces.

Love you mom!

For WRITERS

2009-01-25T12:15:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I dream of a write's life. Ideas spilling out onto paper, long days near the window, looking for inspiration. Selling my first book. But then I realize, after a couple pages...this shit is hard! Here's a little help:

Other Words for "Said" Acknowledged
Added
Admitted
Advised
Agreed
Announced
Answered
Approved
Argued
Assumed
Assured
Asked
Babbled
Bargained
Began
Boasted
Bragged
Called
Claimed
Commanded
Commented
Complained
Cried
Decided
Demanded
Denied
Described
Dictated
Emphasized
Estimated
Exclaimed
Explained
Expressed
Feared
Giggled
Grinned
Grunted
Indicated
Insisted
Instructed
Laughed
Lectured
Lied
Mentioned
Moaned
Mumbled
Murmured
Nagged
Noted
Notified
Objected
Observed
Ordered
Pleaded
Pointed out
Prayed
Predicted
Questioned
Reassured
Related
Repeated
Replied
Responded
Requested
Restated
Revealed
Roared
Ruled
Scolded
Screamed
Shouted
Shrieked
Snapped
Sneered
Sobbed
Spoke
Sputtered
Stammered
Stated
Stormed
Suggested
Taunted
Thought
Told
Urged
Uttered
Vowed
Wailed
Warned
Whispered

A Musician

2009-01-20T22:55:00.000-05:00

Hey Delilah! Picture it....standing on stage, lights dim. The crowd is quiet. I begin to strum her beautiful smooth strings. The crowd recognizes the song, and begins to cheer. I start to sing, and the lights get brighter. For a minute, I see the audience, singing, cheering, claping, dancing. They love my music. I love to create music. It's a great relationship....

TAKE A BREAK!

2009-01-20T21:59:00.001-05:00

Doeo

Touch all of the Doeos quickly as you can.

Play this free game now!!

iNNER pEACE

2009-01-20T20:56:00.000-05:00

Amazingly, I have taken deep breaths and found my center. Unfortunately, it looked like this...

Calm was never my thing. Very extreme, lots of emotion, good and bad...mostly bad. Anger, for some reason, I excelled at.
If something made me mad, I was intensely pissed.
If something bothered me, I was furious.
If someone aggravated me, I hurt them.

Now, as amusing as this may sound, it just was not a convenient or acceptable way to live. Since then, I have adjusted, and been able to forgive and control.

Oh it's not a problem.
Oh no sure go ahead.
Please, after you.
Completely my fault.
Take your time.
My pleasure.
Thank you.

These are all great tools to help you fool others, and yourself, into thinking you are patient and calm. Just use them when you feel flustered and like magic...you are a kind soul.

So now, throw in an addiction.
I am a smoker. Fairly heavy.
Ok, wait, not a smoker...WAS a smoker. Yea I quit. That was my other inner peace. I get frustrated by idiots, discouraged by incompetence, angry at the world...breathe, say some kind things, and all else fails, smoke a cigarette. Problem solved.

New problem...I quit. Now reality is even more so.
No more cigarette when I am angry, or upset, or sad, or bored, or tired, or, or, or ever! For nothing.

I can say, that I am doing good. My quit date really was my quit date. I have not smoked since. AND, I haven't harmed anyone. I would say I am a success.

So now, onto a not so angry center. Time to find my Zen. What do the experts say?

Think good thoughts...

Ooo tough sometimes.

Forgive others...

I really do try.

Laugh...

At idiots and a$$h013$? uhhh...

Exercise...

I can do that.

Pilates looks calm and zen-enducing. Ready, set, downward dog!

*not actual photo, ok well, actual photo, but not actually me.